04/22/24
---OH MY GOD I FUCKING HATE MY BODY SO MUCH IM LITERALLY ON PUBERTY BLOCKERS AND SHIT WHY THE FUCK DOES MY FACE LOOK LIKE THIS I LOOK LIKE A GIRL. I LOOK LIKE AFUCKING GIRL. i look like a seven year old lesbian. love you lesbians but i look like a fucking lesbian, i thought i looked good whenever it first got cut, i thought i looked nice and masculine, but this guy in my class, he didnt mean anything by it but he said i look like his fucking dance choreographer for dance and her name is fucking ellen do i look like fucking ellen degeneres i fucking hate everything, i dont even need to look good im fine with looking ugly like normal but NOT AN UGLY GIRL. LET ME AT LEAST BE AN UGLY BOY.
---i'm SO lucky, i have supportive parents and my distant relatives are trying for the most part, most kids at school are super supportive and at the least they arent actively bigoted, i have cool queer friends and i've been on puberty blockers for over a year. i'm so fucking lucky. but i have to work so hard just to get the basic respect i deserve, the respect everyone deserves.
being trans is super awesome, i love being trans when people arent being super bigoted about it its honestly really beautiful. being able to shape yourself in the way that you want and the way that makes you happy is super sick, itz awesome! its just that.... dysphoria. i have coping mechanisms that are healthy now, i've been clean for months, i have a cool therapist and i'm on puberty blockers...
---theres this trans guy in my grade who has a cis guy name, cis guy friends, everyone in the damn school sees him as a cis guy; he looks like a cis guy has cis guy clothes has a cis guy voice and everything, i didnt fucking even know he was trans until my irl brought it up in passing. and he's the same exact fucking age as me. we've been out for around the same time, or at the very least been trying for the same amount of time. I HAVE SUPPORTIVE PARENTS TOO as i'm assuming he does due to him being safely out as well as popular. so what does he have that i DONT.
when my friend told me that dude was trans, i just sat there. yeah i was being shocked in a funny sort of way but its not a fucking joke. i've been thinking about my dysphoria less hell i've been doing so much better. the name star gives me euphoria and i think its cool as hell. i mean, being called that has worn off in novelty. but, it's supposed to be my NAME, i'm assuming for cis people it's just a "thing" that they don't really think about as long as it doesn't actively bother them or cause them harm. so the novelty wearing off was fine i guess, but i'm not sure. i KNOW everything was made up by people, i know gender is just a social construct that we fit into, but dude, i just want to be a guy and THEN bend the rules a bit. see me as a guy first, PLEASE.
i know i need to put in effort myself; i kknow i need to do voice training and work out and all that shit because i know hormones wont just magically change me, but even though i'm not super depressed anymore, its just.. a lot. a lot of work to do. i'm so tired, all the time, man. i dont know why, its not even a mental thing, and i'm not even depressed anymore because i know what that efels like , and i know the hollowness it gives you. it's not that kind of hollowness. it's weird. and i really really wish i didnt have "Feminine" glasses. or face.
i dunno. i've been thinking about more typical masculine names to use, because i know whenever people see "star' they think of a girl or some afab nb (which i think is a terrible stereotype, as an afab nb) (but yknow what i mean with the stereotype). ...dysphoria kicks ass, and not in the fun way.
peace.